Laments and Saviors
by The Varajan
Summary: A musing of the last Grey Warden in Ferelden after his comrade dies saving them all. "I wonder, if there was something I could have said to him that would have convinced him that life was worth living?"


**A Grey Warden**

The nightmare of the Blight was over and when it was all over, we found ourselves missing one.

He was born in the Alienage twenty two years ago. Three years after being born, his father had left his mother and as was sometimes the case humans came for elvish women to spoil themselves with. After having their way as to keep his mother quiet they tried to murder her. The little elf went into a magical fit and in an explosion of Entropic Magic he killed them along with his mother.

The Templars came that same afternoon

In the circle the boy grew quickly and learned just as fast. But he grew up alone. Bullied cruelly by the humans and alienated from the other elves by the treatment of the former. The seeds of distrust and hatred were sown early. And with time he grew to hate everyone around him, the Circle for never accepting him or even showing him a kind gesture. And the Chantry for never letting him forget that as a mage he was a monster and for murdering his mother he was a true abomination.

Many days he sat alone wondering if he could be redeemed.

He took heart from his one friend Jowan until he passed his Harrowing by using the same mistrust he had learned from humans and applying it to the Pride Demon he encountered. His one friend had used him to escape with an Initiate of the Chantry regardless of what could happen to his elven friend who's one source of hope for advancement in life was his becoming a full mage.

As much as he hated the world and everything in it he never let it show.

In a life defined by guilt, shame and disappointments beyond count he met his charge as a Grey Warden with courage, compassion and mercy.

From the betrayal of Ostagar he set out with myself and Morrigan to save the world. No matter what happened or what obstacle was presented to us he always held the childish belief that he could do anything. That nothing was impossible. I remember the look he gave me when Duncan died.

I am here for you, he said to me.

Never once did I tell him the same although I was. I should have said so many things to him.

Slowly I watched as this quest killed him just as I slowly watched him bring this absurd group of people together;

Morrigan, Shale, Wynne, Sten, Leliana, Zevran and of course the dog.

No matter what terrible things happened he kept trying. He fought until he collapsed, worked until his hands had blisters and marched until his feet bled.

He befriended all of us and people all over Ferelden, selflessly trying to save everyone and help however he could no matter how small or large the task. We who spent the most time with him grew to love him. For all the things he did for us, all the things he said to us and all the things he went out of his way to do for us.

I still have the necklace the found at Arl Eamon's castle.

No one I know would have done something like that for me.

Even Morrigan grew to fall in love with him.

As much as I dislike her, I love my friend more and he was happy. For once he was genuinely happy.

Maker knows I would rather die that take that away from him. Not after the burden he shouldered for us, after all he had been through and everything he was going to go through. He deserved whatever happiness he could have no matter what form it took.

He saved the Dalish tribes and freed the Werewolves from their curse.

He sided with Harrowmont and destroyed the Anvil during the Schism at Orzammar.

He prevented the Right of Annulment and saved the Circle that had so mistreated him.

He even saved Arl Eamon's son without using Blood Magic from Jowan. He kept that family intact and saved the Arl with the Ashes of the Sacred Urn.

He did so much for us. So it was not my surprise that he spared Teyrn Loghain for his betrayal. To my friend, mercy was a victory.

But it was my very great surprise when Morrigan told him she would leave him after the Blight was over. I will never forget how the light seemed to fade from his eyes and how a sad smile crept up on his face. The spark left his golden eyes.

She looked at him expecting tears and anger after she told him the selfish and stupid reasons she wanted to leave him and why she wouldn't allow herself to love him.

In return, he looked at her with empty eyes and a bitter smile.

The months rolled by, things got better with the war effort then worse then better again.

Never once did he stop smiling.

I understand now why he was smiling.

The final battle came upon us and Morrigan offered herself to him who had not since touched her after she spoke to him about their conclusion after the war and he said no fully understanding what would happen if he didn't get Morrigan pregnant.

The topic was left between them. He didn't tell anyone that there was a way to save him, he led us to believe that he had to die and there was nothing we could do.

The next day dawned and against all odds and against the darkness he slew the Archdemon.

After he did, it rained.

The sun broke through the clouds and shined down on the castle.

All of us ran to his side, even Morrigan who claimed she would leave the night before.

In his last moments he swatted her away, even as she tried desperately to mend a wound that could not be. Both his love for her and his failing heart.

He dragged himself away from us and to the edge of the tower and laid on his side as he watched the sun slowly churn the dark skies away.

I saw him cry then

Just as I had seen him cry in private a hundred times since the Blight began and the burden of the quest began to kill him.

My brother, he was smiling because he knew what he was going to do. He chose to die rather than to live in a world he saved, despite the fact he had led a dark, joyless existence.

He saved all of us and did everything in his power to make sure we couldn't do anything even if there was a chance we could do the same for him.

His sacrifice gave me hope that we would win against the darkness no matter what, but his life broke my heart. How unfair it had all been to him and yet how he kept trying right to the very end to make things right for the rest of us. And I am so sorry I didn't notice what was happening to him sooner. Now I will carry two regrets with me for the rest of my life:

If I had been with Duncan, could I have saved him?

If I had spoken with my friend, could I have done something to make him want to live? Could I have said something to him that would have shown him that he could be happy?

I failed the two most important people in my life.

Siegfried, wherever you are.

We miss you


End file.
